Zim's Humble Little Offer
by Linda J
Summary: My first IZ fic ever. ZAGR. If these two were to ever hit it off, I think it might go something like this... Not for children but not too racey either.
1. Chapter 1

Zim's Humble Little Offer

By Linda J.

Rated PG for mild adult content

Summery: I've only seen a couple of Invader Zim episodes and this is my first fan fic for him. I'm sure I've made one or more mistakes regarding the storyline but hopefully nothing too out of place. The timeline for this story is relatively soon after Zim comes to Earth and the basic theme is Zim offers Gaz an interesting proposition. A mild ZAGR fic.

Disclaimer: None of these characters are mine; I will not make any money from this.

CH1

Zim sat quietly at his desk doodling aimlessly on the paper in front of him. He chose to ignore Mrs. Bitters' usual dismal rants about yet another pointless matter as did all of his fellow classmates.

'How do I get these loathsome meat sacks to submit to me? I've tried to learn their weaknesses, find their vulnerabilities and still I'm no closer to my goal than when I first came to this miserable rock. There must be something I'm missing; something I've over looked. I need an edge over these people, I need to have a greater advantage; I need…I need…' he then glanced down at the drawing he subconsciously scribbled. Strangely enough it looked like one of these humans; in fact it reminded of someone he had recently seen many times.

'This drawing I've created looks something like that girl; that girl who lives with that fool Dib. His sibling I think she is,' he thought to himself.

'Hmm, why would I draw a picture of my worthless enemy's even more worthless sibling?' He pondered the question silently in his mind when suddenly one of his classmates yanked the paper from his desk and began waving it in the air.

"Look Mrs. Bitters, look! Zim's drawing pictures!"

"Oh is that so?" the creepy old woman slithered over and took the paper from the student's hand.

"Give that back!" Zim demanded. "I'm ordering you!"

"Well, well," she ignored him entirely while she revealed her cruel plans to humiliate the little green guy.

"We have an artist among us class. I'll just tape his picture up here on the chalkboard for everyone to see." Zim couldn't help but drop his head hard enough to hit the desktop with a loud smack as his classmates gawked at his mindless doodles. Suddenly Dib jumped out of his seat in rage.

"Gaz? You drew a picture of Gaz?" he yelled in disbelief.

"Oh so that's her name," Zim raised his head.

"Yes that's her name. You know that, you've heard me say it a hundred times."

"I never paid any attention before," Zim responded innocently enough. Soon most of his classmates were singing, things like, "Zim loves Ga-az, Zim loves Ga-az while others sang Zim and Gaz sitting in a tree…"

'How repulsive!' the Irkin shrieked in his head. 'Me in love with one of these pathetic sub-creatures! Me having feelings for one of these despicable organisms! The idea is preposterous! It's absurd; it's revolting; it's ridiculous; it's…it's…' …the dark and devious wheels in his mind began to turn…"…it's brilliant!" he jumped up and shouted out loud.

For the rest of the day Zim impatiently counted the minutes until 'skool' was over and the moment the bell rang he dashed out of his chair and rushed outside to find Gaz so that he could begin to lay out his latest plan to enslave this world. Dib of course was hot on his tail and eager to learn of Zim's new plot.

"I know you're evil Zim; I know you're not good," Dib was quick to remind the alien.

"Is that so?" Zim smugly remarked. "Perhaps your sister has other ideas about me."

"My sister?" Dib repeated in dismay. "What do you want with Gaz?" Just then Zim spotted her across the street and began to head her way.

"Oh you'll see you pitiful twit. You'll see."

Gaz quietly stood underneath a large oak tree when she noticed that weird looking green kid her brother kept insisting was an alien coming toward her with Dib following close behind yelling at him.

"Whatever you plan to do you leave my sister out of it!" he roared.

Gaz rolled her eyes and groaned to herself. 'Now what?'

The closer they came the more urgent her brother's voice sounded. "Run away Gaz! He's after you!"

"Oh is he?" she mocked skeptically as Zim now nearly stood toe to toe with her. "Well if he wants to start anything with me I'll just have to kick his little green butt."

Zim suddenly noticed that she was at least an inch or so taller than he and instinctively he felt himself humbling before her. For reasons he couldn't explain he found himself at a loss for words even though he tried to gather his thoughts and opened his mouth to speak, he could only to stutter, "I…I…I…"

"Are you always this good at conversation?" Gaz asked him impatiently just as she began walking to the taxi that had pulled up for her. Dib stared at the cab in surprise.

"Where'd you get the money for a taxi?" he jealously asked.

"Dad gave me a twenty for my report card this morning; if you'd concentrate on your skool work instead of your paranoid para-normal crap, you'd see some cash once in a while yourself. C'mon Dib, lets get some pizza," she offered as she stepped off the curb and allowed her brother to get inside the cab first, leaving a dejected Zim standing alone under the tree.

'Curses!' he cried out to himself. 'I must try again!'


	2. Chapter 2

CH2

Later that night, much later in fact, Zim, still in his human costume, found himself standing outside of Gaz's bedroom window throwing tiny pebbles at the pane.

"Gaz!" he tried whispering. "Gaz are you awake?" He threw more pebbles and more pebbles but with no results. Then impatiently he grabbed a stone the size of his hand and slung into the window. The crashing sound of breaking glass rang throughout the neighborhood alarming several dogs and caused many porch lights to come on. Quickly the little green alien looked for somewhere to run and hide and chose to scramble underneath a bush that had red smelly flowers and long sharp thorns. Finally he saw a sleepy Gaz come to her now broken window and looked outside.

"Who's there!" she demanded while she yawned.

'This isn't going at all like I planned!' he fearfully admitted to himself and like a scared rabbit he quietly hid in the rose bush waiting for a chance to escape. By now Gaz was fully awake and feeling quite angry at this whole ordeal.

"Listen, you've got to the count of three to come out and identify yourself before I call the police. One, two, three…"

"It is I, Zim!" the alien quickly pretended to be bold and brave as he tried to stand up and crawl out only to be attacked by the bush's sharp thorns. He began to valiantly fight back by pulling and tugging on its branches.

"Ow! Ouch! Ow! Oh that stings!" she could hear him cry as he made his way into the light. She stood there at the window with her hands on her hips.

"I must speak with you on an important matter," he explained in a proud voice.

Gaz paused for a moment not even sure why she was even bothering to give this loser a second thought. Then again anything that would irritate Dib was worth considering. "This better be good Zim! Come to the door, I'll let you in."


	3. Chapter 3

CH3

When Gaz opened the door Zim was standing there still holding the flowers he had pulled from the brush.

"Oh, are those for me?" she asked stiffly as she reached out to take them from him.

"No! Get away from them!" he insisted as he pulled them away from her. "These are my trophies of triumph over that wretched bush over there, and I have the scratches to prove it!"

"Fine," she huffed with a shrug letting the alien inside. "They're just going to die any way." She then began to lead him through her house and ended up in the living room.

"You're lucky my dad's working late, as usual, and Dib's on another one of his crack pot adventures, as usual. Something about proving the existence of a magical world linked to our own I think," she thought to mention as she took a seat on the couch.

"That crazy Dib, always coming up with those ridiculous stories," Zim nervously chuckled as he sat on the other end of the couch.

"Yeah tell me about it," she mocked. Zim pondered her remark wondering if she was agreeing with his statement or making fun of it.

"You know he believes you're an alien," she blankly admitted to Zim.

"So what if he does, no one _believes_ him." Zim gloated with a smirk.

Gaz folded her arms and decided to challenge this smug little twirp. "Maybe I do."

Instantly Zim burst out in riotous laughter. "So that would make two pathetic meat sacks no one will listen to."

"Oh yeah?" she argued. "Our dad's a scientist and if we hand you over to him, he'll see to it that you are locked away in some government lab where they'll experiment on you day and night. You will die there all alone and probably in a great deal of pain."

Even though Zim was becoming very alarmed by her words he wasn't so sure she really wanted to see him harmed.

"So you think I'm an alien aye?" he squinted his eyes and cocked his head as he stroked his chin. "Then why haven't you turned me over yet?"

Gaz shrugged her shoulders making the story up as she went along. "I dunno, guess I'm not that impressed with the human race myself." Zim smiled from ear to ear utterly pleased with what she had just said and decided this was an excellent time to make her his offer.

"Is that so," he then stood to his feet putting his hands on his hips taking an arrogant stance.

"Swear your allegiance to me Gaz and I'll see that after I conquer this petty mud hole in the galaxy, your burdens as my slave will be light." He stood there smiling as he extended his hand to her, confident she would eagerly accept his generous offer.

"Your slave? You're offering to make me your slave?" she ridiculed.

"If you want my _allegiance_…" she continued to play along him. "…you'll have to come up with something a lot better than making me your slave!" Frustrated with her response Zim plopped back down on the couch folding his arms over his chest.

"Something better? Like what?" he huffed.

"Well if you want me to help you conquer this world, then I want rule too," she was really beginning to like this little game of theirs. Zim began grinding his teeth.

"You're a shrewd human Gaz; a shrewd human indeed. Very well," he surrendered a sigh, realizing how valuable she could be to him in the long run.

"You may rule over, ummm…Albuquerque and, and some village in the Swiss Alps -but only a small one!" he insisted.

"I don't think so;" Gaz chuckled, obviously unimpressed with his latest offer. "I want half of the world. It's 50/50 for me or the deal is off."

"Half!" the little green man chortled then began to sneer. "You want half? What do you want me to do? Make you my queen?"

A twisted grin broke over Gaz's usually grim face. "Queen huh?"

Her grin grew even broader as she fantasized the possibilities of Zim's proposal in her mind. Then she realized that meant he would be her king and suddenly her grin shattered. "But that would mean…ewe!"

"Ewe?" he repeated. "Why do you make this noise of displeasure 'ewe' for?"

"Because if I'm the queen and you're the king that means we would be married." She explained distastefully.

"So? Most royal marriages are loveless," he explained in a matter of fact tone. "I don't understand the problem."

"Well if we were married," she went on to explain. "That means we would have sex with each other. And with that thought in mind I repeat…EWE!"

Offended at her statement, Zim once again stood up shaking an angry finger at this impertinent sub-creature. "Well…well I say 'ewe' to having sex with you! EWE, EWE, EWE! How dare you assume I would ever have sex with you! The audacity, the nerve!" he then seemed to calm down just a bit. "By the way, what is sex?"


	4. Chapter 4

CH4

Gaz stared blankly at him for a moment. The idea that this guy was an alien was getting more believable by the minute. "Well doesn't your species reproduce?"

"Of course, but…" a look of complete puzzlement streaked his face. "Why would I need you for that?"

Gaz said nothing but continued to stare at him very much the same way he would stare at GIR especially when he was acting particularly stupid. Then suddenly it occurred to him how primal this human race actually was.

"Oh I get it now!" he brightly exclaimed. "A human male and a human female must copulate somehow." He watched his hands closely as he clasped them together locking his fingers and studying its curious design, as if imagining this could somehow represented the act of human reproduction. Then suddenly Zim had another one of his brilliant ideas.

"You," he grabbed Gaz up by the shoulders and began to push her towards the door. "Go get a human male and mate with him so that I may watch!"

Instantly she jerked away from the alien and yelled. "Are you completely nuts!"

"I will take pictures, make notes and record the process from beginning to end!" he wildly exclaimed completely unaware of how put off Gaz was by all this nonsense.

"Go find you own human male to mate with!" she jeered as she pushed him away and sat back down on the couch. For a moment he stood there looking rather sad then slowly he joined her on the couch.

"But I just want to know how you humans do this," he meekly explained hoping Gaz would not stop thinking of him as a pervert. They sat there quietly for a minute or so before she spoke up.

"Would it help if I just told you how it went?" With his bottom still puckered out he nodded his head and gently smiled. Gaz sighed and smiled softly back at him, then leaned in close and began whispering the secrets of human sexual contact. At first his eyes gleamed with lustful glee. But then as Gaz went into the more intricate details his smile faded and his eye began to twitch. Soon he felt a shiver run down his spine and without even thinking he uttered the word "ewe". He looked directly into Gaz's eyes.

"You human's are the most disgusting creatures I've ever known!"

"Well don't knock it until you've tried it space boy," she quipped back.

"No thanks," he flatly said almost ready to vomit at the thought. "However," he then openly admitted. "If I ever HAD to have sex with a human…" He paused for a moment making sure what he was thinking was really true as Gaz sat up and gave Zim a suspicious look.

"Well let's just say that of all the humans I've met, if I had to have sex with one of them, I think having sex with you would be the least sickening of all."

"Your too kind," she mocked dryly.

"I know," the little green alien smiled, very pleased with himself.

"Now go home." Gaz ordered.

"But you haven't promised your _allegiance_ to me yet!" he urged.

"It's late Zim. GO HOME!" she growled.

"Fine;" he surrendered with a huff and stormed out of her house. "But you haven't heard the last from me! I will earn your allegiance Gaz! Heed my words, I will!" He watched her slam the door on him and turned off the lights. He returned to his home with head hung low dragging his roses on the ground and Gaz spent the rest of the night tossing in her bed.

'That's all I need,' she thought to herself, 'the only kid creepier than my brother as a crush on me.'

Then, just as she was about to finally get back to sleep, she could have sworn she heard a strange high pitched mechanical voice in the distance coming from her newly broken bedroom window. It repeated her name over and over in a very badly made melody and then she heard Zim's voice in the distance yell out "Quiet Gir!"

She threw her pillow over her head, 'I am so doomed!' she confessed to herself. 'Doomed, doomed, doomed…'

-THE END


End file.
